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Recently proposed label warnings for all alcoholic beverage containers...
  • Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
  • Consumption of alcohol may induce you to believe that other people are actually laughing WITH you.
  • Consumption of alcohol may stimulate your stomach muscles to heave the organ's partially digested contents at an inopportune moment and/or location.
  • Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retarded imbecile.
  • Consumption of alcohol has been linked to inexplicable contusions and/or rug burns on the forehead.
  • Consumption of alcohol is known to result in a flux of the space-time continuum, whereby significant episodes of time occasionally cannot be accounted for.
  • Consumption of alcohol inhibits the normal self-preservation instinct which can subsequently engender a self-delusion that in a physical confrontation with an ex-Marine who is six or more inches taller, who outweighs you by 75 or more pounds and who is also known to possess black-belt degrees in several martial arts, you are nevertheless in FACT quite capable of successfully whipping his wussy-ass.
  • Consumption of alcohol can cause awakening in bed with a person whose identity you are unable to recall and whose physical appearance you discover to be aesthetically repulsive when sober.
  • Consumption of alcohol has been correlated with an increased probability of unwanted pregnancy.
  • Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 o'clock in the morning.
  • Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings thike lisss.

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